Hangin’ in John McCain’s Crib

As the McCain campaign suggests that I do, I’m going to gladly forward this video tour of his “Straight Talk” Express to my family and friends, but probably not for the reasons he’s hoping.

What a freakin’ train wreck (or bus wreck, as it were). Where to begin? Should I begin with the bad hip hop beats and guitar licks playing in the background? Or the moments that are supposed to be funny but aren’t (such as the Ferris Bueller-ish comments by Advance Man Davis White to ”Get off the bus” at the end of the video, or his comment about how the choice of what to watch on TV is voted on because the bus is “very much a democracy”–ick)? Or how about the fact that this video is up on YouTube when there’s a good chance that John “I’ve never used a computer” McCain might not know what YouTube is.

And then there’s the most unintentionally funny moment: “No one’s ever used this shower, but it’s ready and willing if we ever do have anything necessary.” I laughed, and then I cringed, because suddenly I couldn’t help but think about the occupants of the bus using the shower. And that’s just not a pleasant thought.

And, by the way–I may be showing my age here, but do the kids still watch MTV’s Cribs anymore? I thought MTV was all about that god-awful The Hills and Tila “I single-handedly cleared the way for gay marriage in California” Tequila these days.

So here’s my advice to John McCain–stop taking your staffers’ advice because they clearly don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Anyone old enough to vote who is young enough to understand what you’re trying to do with this video is laughing at you right now. And not because they think Davis White is funny.

R.I.P. George Carlin

If there’s a heaven (and I don’t really think that there is, and I don’t really think that he did, either), I hope it’s at least got a place for George Carlin’s stuff.

While I thought pretty much everything the man did was funny, my favorite George Carlin moment is probably from the Kevin Smith film Dogma when Carlin, as Cardinal Glick, unveiled the statue of the Buddy Christ. Absolutely hysterical.

It’s probably a good thing I don’t believe in hell, either.

And enough with the cool, funny people dying already. We need some smiles and good humor around these parts, and they just keep going away.

Top Ten Signs of Chuck Todd Withdrawl

With primary season over, Chuckolytes are seeing a lot less of the Chuckster on the TeeVee these days. Therefore, fans of Chuckie T may find themselves experiencing symptoms of Chuck Todd Withdrawl.

How do you know if you’re experiencing Chuck Todd Withdrawl? Check to see if you are suffering from any of the symptoms below and if so, please direct your web browser to Viva Chuck Todd immediately.

The Top Ten Signs of Chuck Todd Withdrawl are:

10. You find yourself staring wistfully at maps of the United States.

9.  You find yourself signing documents with a big red dry-erase marker.

8.  You find yourself thinking about growing a goatee (men) or wishing you could (women).

7.  You start taking sick days from work so you can watch MSNBC from Morning Joe until Verdict, hoping for just the briefest glimpse of The Chuck.

6.  You see Chuck Norris and yell “Chuck Todd!” and then say “Oh…wait…never mind…”

5.  You set MSNBC’s “First Read” as your web browser’s default home page and refresh every ten seconds.

4.  You find yourself missing Chris Matthews calling Chuck the Spock to his Kirk.

3.  You find yourself saying “You got it” whenever your friends thank you for something.

2. You find yourself applying “delegate math” to everything (“My checkbook will balance once crucial counties around Philadelphia have reported.”)

And the Number One sign of Chuck Todd Withdrawl:

1. You find yourself watching Pat Buchanan and thinking “You know, maybe this guy’s okay after all.”

Musings after Watching VH1 Classic’s Metal Mania

Occasionally on weekends, my spouse and I like to stay up late and watch worthless crap on the TeeVee. And occasionally, that worthless crap is Vh1’s Metal Mania, a four-hour block of mostly moldy cheese that was on in my viewing market from midnight to four a.m. But as I’m not as young as I used to be, I only made it until two a.m. before I just couldn’t take it anymore.

The great thing about watching Metal Mania is that approximately every three minutes or so, you get a good giggle because some video comes on that you’d totally forgotten about, but with that opening chord and first scene, you realize that not only are this song and video pretty funny now, but they were also pretty damn funny twenty years ago.

So here’s what occurred to me over two hours of Metal Mania:

1. Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, and Poison are not, and never were, metal bands. Metal bands are composed of the kinds of guys who look like they’re going to break into your house and eat your kids. The only reason Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, and Poison would break into your house would be to steal your hairspray and mousse.

2. Closely related to #1, between videos we saw a commercial for Poison lead singer Bret Michaels’ “highly anticipated” solo album, which I’m assuming is only “highly anticipated” by women waiting to try out for the third season of Rock of Love.

3. Also related to #1: We were treated to the video for Def Leppard’s “Love Bites,” a song that actually bites every bit as much now as it did twenty-one years ago, but it’s always nice to be reminded. This video was followed up by what Vh1 Classic terms a “Classic Current”–an oxymoron that also turned out to be moronic as the video was for “Nine Lives,” Def Leppard’s unholy alliance with country star Tim McGraw. This song is totally unworthy of either Def Leppard or McGraw which, considering I’m not a fan of either, is really an accomplishment. “Nine Lives” may, in fact, be one of the shittiest songs ever recorded, right up there with “Escape (The Pina Colada Song),” except I’m going to go out on a limb and boldly predict that no one will ever be doing Karaoke to “Nine Lives.”

“Nine Lives” is available on the album Songs from the Sparkle Lounge, which may be the most un-metal name for an album in the history of album titles. My guess is that they thought about titling the disc Cabaret until they remembered that was already taken.

4. Despite all the hair and makeup and leather pants, guys in heavy metal bands are not a good-looking lot. If most heavy metal band members had done something else with their lives–like, say, getting a nice job at a bank or something–none of them would have ever gotten laid.

5. Geoff Tate of Queensryche (which is more of a prog-metal band than a heavy metal band per se) had without question one of the most incredible mullets of the ’80s. From the front, he sort of looked like he had some kind of 1950s ducktail action going on, but then he turns around and–surprise!–he’s got his long hair pulled back into a ponytail.

Queensryche also has a completely illogical and unnecessary umlaut over the “y,” which I can’t figure out how to represent with the word processing tools available to me here. But as we all know umlauts = metal, so it’s all good.

6. I think Ronnie James Dio and Klaus Meine of Scorpions may have been separated at birth. Seriously–same hair, they look about the same height…or maybe they’re the same person. If anyone’s ever seen them together in the same room at the same time and can disprove my theory, let me know.

7. While I got a good chuckle watching everything else on this list, I have to say that Pantera is not, nor was ever, funny. Pantera does not have time to be funny because they are too busy kicking your ass. Every band out right now that plays their instruments really fast and sings songs that consist of lyrics that sound like “RAAAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRR” owes a serious debt to Pantera.

Although, on second thought, “Cowboys from Hell,” as song titles go, is pretty damn funny.

8. And my final musing, one I so often have whenever I watch anything on Vh1 Classic, is that I’m really freakin’ old. Almost every memory I have attached to these songs/videos dates from my junior year of high school or earlier. My hubby and I were trying to remember when “Rock You Like a Hurricane” came out, and the only memory I could conjure up was singing the song outside my church with a few other kids before we went inside to confirmation class (which is just the kind of reception the band was aiming for, I’m sure), which would have grounded the song firmly in 1984.

1984 was twenty-eight years ago, for those of you keeping score. And so on that note, I decided to go to bed, because at my age, I really need to be sure I’m getting plenty of sleep. But I didn’t have to worry about missing anything because thanks to Vh1 Classic, the metal will always be there when I wake up.

Alison Krauss and Robert Plant (featuring T. Bone Burnett)–Asheville, NC, June 14, 2008

I’m getting all my summer concert-going done in one fell swoop this year.

The Alison Krauss and Robert Plant (featuring T. Bone Burnett) show was more for my spouse than for me. I’ve been only a passing fan of Alison Krauss and didn’t know much about T. Bone Burnett beyond O Brother, Where Art Thou? My connection with Robert Plant, however, is a little bit stronger, having worn out a copy of Led Zeppelin IV in high school that I taped from the radio, for crap’s sake (thanks to KSHE-95 in St. Louis’ The Seventh Day program) and having spent many a night in the mid-1980’s driving around with friends singing along with “Tall Cool One” at the tops of our lungs. But I knew enough about all three musicians and had listened to their collaboration on Raising Sand enough to know that I would probably be in for a night of incredible music.

I wasn’t disappointed.

First of all, lest anyone be concerned, despite the fact that he’s rapidly approaching sixty years old, Robert Plant is still Robert F**cking Plant. He still rocks out. But with his ever-present long curly hair now juxtaposed with a face augmented by a goatee and the dignity of age, the Robert Plant of the 21st Century looks a lot less like Jesus Christ Rockstar and more like a regal leonine rock god. Sort of like Aslan from the Chronicles of Narnia, only way, way cooler.

Alison Krauss, on the other hand, appears to be aging backwards (I’m serious–Google some pictures of her from the early 1990s and then go look on her website now and you’ll see what I mean). I don’t know what kind of lifestyle plan girlfriend is on, but if it’s gonna make me look like that, then sign me up. And while there were several moments in the show in which she went backstage while Plant and/or Burnett were performing, she spent the entirety of the two hour show wearing stilettos, so she has my utmost admiration–hope she sat down when she was offstage.

Um, oh yeah–there was music, too.

From the moment they began singing the opening song, “Rich Woman,” I was blown away by the quality of Plant and Krauss’ respective voices. Plant, at least to me, has every bit of the range he does on Led Zep albums recorded nearly forty years ago. And Krauss’ voice, incredibly, sounds even better live than it does on record–even on the tracks on which she wasn’t really letting loose, her voice was powerful and clear enough to fill up the Asheville Civic Center. If angels exist, I’m betting they sound a lot like Alison Krauss.

While Raising Sand (both live and on CD) is a tour through music history, featuring songs by everyone from Mel Tillis and the Everly Brothers to Townes Van Zandt and Tom Waits, special highlights for me were the reimagining of Plant’s “In the Mood,” along with a stripped-down, bluesy version of “Black Dog” and a gorgeous straight-up version of “The Battle of Evermore,” all three songs featuring Plant and Krauss harmonizing together. While the entire show was excellent, these three songs alone were, for my money, well worth the price of admission.

And while I don’t really plan on having a tombstone, if I did, I’d be more than happy to have my epitaph read in part “Saw Robert Plant sing ‘The Battle of Evermore’ live and up close”–that would be pretty cool with me.